


The Internet Never Forgets

by JohnBurtonLee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, No Plot/Plotless, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25078810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnBurtonLee/pseuds/JohnBurtonLee
Summary: Fifteen years ago, Harry and Hermione started a YouTube show to "fake" magic on camera. Their number one request? Kiss on camera.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter
Comments: 11
Kudos: 106
Collections: Happy Birthday Mister Potter





	The Internet Never Forgets

The screen reads "Dolos Passage" for a few seconds. The title card is replaced by the image of a handsome black man, helpfully labeled as Dean. 

"Hello, loyal viewers. Today's episode is a short one, but the story goes back a decade and a half when a bunch of us decided to get together and make a show about how to fake magic and other unexplained phenomena on camera. We were one of the first programs to run on YouTube. Our budget was non existent, our CG laughable and we went through more fishing wire than I knew existed in the country." 

A quick cut shows a man with messy black hair tangled up in fishing wire while a girl with wild brown hair approaches him with scissors, to his obvious fear. The scene freezes and letters appear labeling the man as Harry and the girl as Hermione. 

"Now we decided to make Harry and Hermione the faces of our little show, mostly because Hermione had been lecturing Harry on one topic or another since they were eleven, so they wouldn't have any problem getting into character for the show." 

A number of quick clips of Harry standing, looking at the ground, while Hermione lectures him. In the first clip she's wagging a finger at him. In the second clip, she has her fists on her hips. In the third one, she has both hands firmly planted on a table and is leaning forward dangerously. 

"Now we started mostly with showing magic 'spells.'" Dean does the air quotes for that last word. "We thought that Hermione lecturing Harry for his crappy Latin would be good for a running gag, but we eventually branched out into taking requests. About half of those were recreating scenes from movies." 

The scene shifts to show Harry at a water cooler, his hair on fire, but calmly taking a drink from a paper cup. Hermione walks on camera and then sprays him with a fire extinguisher. Harry barely reacts, only shielding the cup from the spray. After she finishes, Harry blows the foam from the top of his cup and takes another sip. 

"Or things we wish were in movies. And the rest were requests that Harry and Hermione finally just kiss. Smooch. Snog. Whatever." 

A cut to Harry shaking his head, while next to him Hermione is holding her arms in an X. 

"Well eventually, you guys wore them down and we got this." 

Harry is standing there awkwardly while Hermione plants a very chaste kiss to his cheek. 

"Obviously you weren't satisfied with that. Well after a year we got Hermione to say-" 

A cut to Hermione rolling her eyes. "Fine, for a special occasion, like Harry's fortieth birthday, we can kiss on camera." 

"Well, the internet never forgets, and we regularly get emails and comments asking if Harry's turned forty yet. Guess what today is?" 

A cut to a somewhat older Harry and Hermione standing next to each other, facing the camera. They sigh and turn to each other. Harry brings his hand up, to brush a lock of Hermione's hair behind her ear and leans in. This kiss starts fairly chaste, but soon the two pull each other tight and... the camera cuts back to Dean, who is shaking his head. 

"Right. Well, there's a reason that they don't kiss on camera. Or in public. And it's not because they lack chemistry. They have that. They have far too much of it. They actually got married about three weeks after our first episode was uploaded. Think about how they were just now and imagine what they were like as newlyweds." Dean shakes his head. "I hope you're happy, people. You would not believe how many favors I had to cash in to get them to agree to this. Well, that's our Dolos Passage special edition. Dean Thomas signing off." 

  


* * *

  


**Dolos Passage: Special Harry's 40th Birthday Edition**

470,480 views • Jul 31, 2020 

583 Comments 

  


**Alync21** \- 3 hours ago 

How the hell did they keep the fact that they were married secret for fifteen years? DP's been around forever! They've got a following and this is the internet! There had to be creepy stalkers out there! 

  


**Leo Johnson** \- 5 hours ago 

Wow. That's the first time I felt embarrassed watching a kiss in a youtube video. Did you guys need to keep spray bottles around back when the show started? 

  


**Bent Antler Productions** \- 1 hour ago 

OK. I was one of the gals who wrote that they should kiss way back when DP was a new thing and I didn't think it would be worth the wait. I'm so happy to be proven wrong. 

  


**Maggie P** \- 3 hours ago 

That was Hermione grabbing Harry's ass. That was straightlaced Hermione copping a feel. Mind officially blown. 

  


**Morgan Jack** \- 5 hours ago 

Ha! Called it! I knew those two had something going on. C'mon people, they've attended the Academy Awards together for like ten years running. 

  


**Dahlia06** \- 6 hours ago 

I know that I wouldn't exist without this kind of thing, but you couldn't keep it off the internet? It's bad enough seeing it at home. 

  


**The Darren** \- 4 hours ago 

I was going to make a comment about the quiet ones, but I guess Hermione isn't really quiet, right? 

  


**Carnivorous Cow** \- 5 hours ago 

They faked that kiss with CG just like they do with everything else on the show. 

  


**Jelly and Peanut** \- 3 hours ago 

What I want to know is what they do for diet and exercise. Those two don't look at all like they're forty. Damn. If my man aged that well I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off him either. Dean is looking pretty good too. Stupid sexy British people. 

  


* * *

  


As Dahlia settled in her seat for brunch, her mother asked "So, did you have a good time with Charity last night?" 

Dahlia flushed. "Yup." It was definitely better than being in the same house as her parents when they celebrated a special occasion. Sure they were good about using silencing charms, but there was something creepy about knowing your parents were having sex that made the lack of sound almost worse. 

"You didn't stay up too late, right?" 

Dahlia let out a meep. "No. Of course not." 

Her dad sighed. "You realize that we could see you posting a comment on the DP video at three in the morning, right?" He kissed Dahlia on the top of her head before sitting down himself. "Truly, you are my daughter. I could never slip anything past your mother either." 

"Honestly, Harry, must you use that abbreviation?" 

Dahlia had only figured out why using the abbreviation DP for the show was awkward a few months ago, and she was young enough that being reminded made her bury her face in her hands in embarrassment. Next to her, Rose remained oblivious as she stabbed a strawberry with her fork, probably thinking that their mum was just being overly pedantic and not realizing that the abbreviation had sexual connotations. 

"Hermione, you named the show. I thought you learned that people will use whatever shortcuts they want with names back in fourth year." 

"Well, you would think that my own husband would respect my wishes-" 

The elder Potter daughter wished that she hadn't figured out that sometimes her parents picked fights with each other just so they had an excuse to kiss and make up. You could tell the difference because of a certain… undertone to their argument. 

Next to her, Rose cut out an exact square from her pancake and chewed happily. Ignorance really was bliss. 

**Author's Note:**

> In Greek mythology Dolos/Dolus was the god of deceit.
> 
> In this AU, Harry would go on to become a world famous stunt man and producer of special effects for movies. If you tried to convince a muggle that he was an actual wand waving wizard, they would probably laugh in your face.


End file.
